Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Killing Machine (11/23/10)


"You'll probably like this. It looks manly."

"I've seen you rent movies with guns before!"

"He was holding a gun on the cover...AND wearing a suit."

"The whole thing's probably going to be like this!"


"Those tattoos look fake. They couldn't find an actress with real tattoos?"

"What's up with the sound?"

"I thought this was a real movie."

"Why do all women love him?"

"(Imitating Dolph Lundgren) Hey."

"He shouldn't be the narrator."

"Seriously?! Their footsteps are louder than the dialog!"

"Did she just ditch the kid?"

"You had a crush on Brigitte Nielsen??"

"Why is he so aggressive at love making?"

"Oh no Dave! I'm Dave in the movie."

"So is he an assassin?"

"Why are we really trying to watch this?"

"They're bringing the maid?"

"Maybe he's just difficult to work with...all the roid rage."

"Come on!"

"These voiceovers are cracking me up."

"No, I'm Dave. I died."

"He's gotta be, like, 60! Late 50's."

"So she's just maid-ing there now?"

"Why did he say that?"

"Hey, why did he say that?"

"I don't know what's going on. This world doesn't make sense."

"I'd never do him in a million years."

"What?! Dave's been dead for, like, an hour! He needs a mourning period!"

"It's a set up."

"Ohhhhh noooo, a dead dog."

"Me too. I knew it too."

"That guy from the beginning."

"I think we're supposed to be shocked by this if we knew what was happening."


Sunday, November 21, 2010

PANIC ROOM (11/20/10)

"Dwight Yoakam!"

"I'm Jodie Foster in this."

"Is that Chicago? No, New York."

"We need a panic room."

"What a dump."

"All that space for two people?"

"No, that's a girl. It's Twilight."

"People have always said that I remind them of Jodie Foster, even when I was little." (Alex:"Why? Because they thought you were a lesbian?")
"Oh I'm sure they did!"


"Oh, I look so sad."

"Dwight Yoakam!"

"I love Forest Whitaker."

"Run run run run RUN!!!"

"How old is Dwight Yoakam?"

"I DO look like her, from here!"
(Stephanie covers the lower half of her face)

"He looks gooood. In his tight pants, standing on that table, sledgehammerin' away. Mmmm."

"S.O.S., 3 short, 3 long, 3 short."

"I hope I'm never in a position where I have to use Morse code. Well, I do and I don't."

"Bet they wish I was their neighbor."

"He's so good."

"Gas? They're gonna gas em' out!"

"Could that really happen?"

"Oh go write a song about it Jared Leto!"


"How can you cut through steel??"


"Why would the previous owner leave their millions behind??"

"No, she never set up the second phone line."


"Cover that kid's eyes!!!"

"I'd never do that. I'd bring 50 guns."

"Cuz she's diabetic."

"Go Go Go Go Go!"

"Oooh, they pulled the ol' Texas switcheroo."

"You wouldn't tell the cops?!"

"I'd say, 'Ok, wait across the street for my signal.'"


"Oh Forest, you gentle giant."

"Aww, that's sad for him."

"I wish I could just look in the real estate ads and say, "Yeah, that one."

Saturday, November 20, 2010


"This is supposed to be good."

"What's their name? Sex Bob-Omb?"

"I don't want to admit that this hurts my eyes, but it does."

"I miss being 22..."

"Oh, it's like a video game!"

"No no, it's illegal! Wait til she's 18...wait."

"That's the Zelda music!"

"Wow, Kieran Culkin really looks like his dad."

"Kip Culkin."

"Oh she's sooooo different."

"I'm gonna start doing that. Vomit hearts."

"Can we pause it? I wanna grab my inhaler."

"It's hard for me to relate to parties."

"So she's an American who some how only ever dated Canadians?"

"Oh of course."

"I went on 2 dates with a famous person."

"Wait. How did he defeat him exactly?"

"It's been an hour and we've got 5 more evil exes to go."

"Soooooo different."

"You gotta really bleach the hair for blue to look good."

"No, this isn't my demographic! It's 6-years-younger-than-me's demographic."

"Is being a vegan still cool? I remember when being a vegan made you really cool."

"So, is she dressed like a shlub?"

"That red headed actress has always rubbed me the wrong way for some reason."



"This movie better not be 2 hours long."

"Female upright bassists are the new female drummers."

"She dated him too?!"

"Sex Bob-Omb sounds like The Hives."

"Wait, how did he defeat them?"

"I don't think that's true."

"Aww, that's so nice of Knives to do."

"I'm interested to see what Michael Cera will look like at 40."

"Everyone loooooves Ramona and her difference!"

"Were there any proper adults in this film?"

"I really wanted to like that more, am I old because I didn't like it more?"

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Stephen King's IT (11/16/10)

"It'll be fine, Tim Curry doesn't have the same power over me that he did at 10 years old, I'm...that guy killed himself, Jonathan Brandis."

"I think he shot himself in his apartment building. I had such a crush on him."

"You've never seen this before?!"

"Stephen King plays a gas station attendant in this I think."

"Oh crap oh crap oh crap!"

"Fuck his pure evil."

"I think he was the dad on Sister Sister..."

"Oh Georgie."

"I'm sad that John Ritter is dead."

"Awwww, I'm the fat kid."

"I'd never ride away if one of my parents was yelling at me."

"You love abusive men."

"I need him...we both need him."

"Be nice. I'm sure she has a good heart."

"I'm not that guy! I can read your mind and I'm not that guy!"


"Seth Green's been working forever."

"Oooh, I love him! Night Court."

"That's the point. They all became really successful so they could forget."

"I would just run to the adult."

"Holy shit! Terrifying."

"No, it's only half over."

"Are they seriously going to murder seven people?! Don't they know that's wrong and terrible?!"

"I think that's a set."

"Doesn't Night Court do magic in real life? He's like a magician?"

"Being a thug isn't cool, you know."

"He's going to propose to him now."

"She's got some daddy-issues or something."

"Who keeps beer in the library?!"

"You know you're in trouble when the bad-ass of your group is Jack from Three's Company."

"Oh go kiss a married man again!"

"They're just going to leave a dead body in there? It's not like the inn doesn't know who rented the room last..."

"This part's scary I think."

"(whispered) Don't split up."

"I'd like the remake to be from It's point of view. You know he had to do a lot of planning."

"Oh no!"

"It lit candles? Really?"

"So, according to Stephen King, Maine is full of monsters."

"Mmm, sexy."

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

FIRST BORN (11/12/10)

"Oh come on! It's no worse than the rest of the crap we rent!"

"But I trust Elisabeth Shue's choices!"

"Oooh, it's an upside down cross. See?"

"I'm just going to get this out of the way this the sequel to Adventures In Babysitting?"
(Stephanie waves jazz hands at Alex)

"Is she a dancer?"

"She's a dancer."

"Have we seen this before?"


"I'm gonna start doing that! That's what I'll do with my days!"

"Oooh, white couch AND a dog?"

"This was never in theaters, right?"

"Why would you keep that omen?!"

"Oh my god! That would scare me in real life."

"(Hacking cough)"

"She's already being punchy...pregnant punchy."

(Alex asks, "Why are movies always about rich people?")
"Because poor people are financially limited in their adventures, and scenic locations."

"What a dump!"

"He can afford it. He is 'some lawyer' after all."

"Doesn't it get buried?"

"Parker? More like BARKER...Ha-cha-cha!"

"Oh no, don't leave him down there alone!!"


"I don't like it when animals are in peril!! Even if it's just a movie!"

"I'd be absolutely devastated if I found one of these guys dead..."
(Stephanie proceeds to rearrange the pets so they're closer to the couch, while expressing her love for them.)

"You like the way her boobs look pregnant? They're probably all veiny...."

"If someone ends up in that room at some point I'll be scared."

"(British Accent) Have you seen my wife with the veiny pregnant breasts?"

"Rich people have white mice in their mansions."

"Throw it away! It's dirty and cursed and probably smells!"

"She could be multi-tasking right now."

"Eeeeewwwww! Breast feeding makes me squeemish."

"Maybe it's postpartum depression?"

"Oh that's gross."

"I'm scared too, Shue!"

"We've totally seen this before. Wow, I had no idea. Sorry."

(Stephanie and Alex begin to recap the rest of FIrst Born, having already seen it 2 years earlier. Stephanie then has a back spasm and they stop watching it.)

THE PLEDGE (11/11/10)

"I read somewhere that this was pretentious."

"Is that Colorado?"

"Why are the turkeys making me cry?"

"Oh I love her!"

(Alex asks, 'Now why are you crying?!')
"Because they're kissing the dog! Dogs are so important to families in crisis!"

(Alex gets Stephanie a box of tissues)

"Wherever they are, those cops suck!"

"Benicio did it!"

"He's looks great! Good and crazy."

"Oh my God!"

"A giant?"

"Ooh, he goin' to Cabo..."


"Sean Penn finds the best extras."

"He wants to own a convenience store?"

"So if he's retired, he doesn't get paid for helping with the case right?"

"Larry did it!"

"The camera keeps focusing on small details that I don't care to focus on."

"She just fell in love with him right now."


"She's going to masturbate to him loving her child like his own."

"Who's Oliver?"

"Oliver did it!"


"Those cops have been terrible since the beginning!"

"He was right all along!!! I hate it when characters won't listen!"

"Is the rest of the movie him being drunk?"

"Oooh, Jack Nicholson had his own chef."